Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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