It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
