Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
sex in a hospital.. check
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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