fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
