Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
