mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
