somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
