dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
