I'm laying in your front yard are you home
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
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