I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
