Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
