last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Randomize
