Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Is it because I queefed?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
