So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
