Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
