Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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