When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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