There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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