What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
