Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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