tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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