I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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