is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
