I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sext me about skeletons
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
