Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
