I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Randomize
