Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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