I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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