I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
