he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
