I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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