if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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