It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
