At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
