I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
