she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
