My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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