he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
