She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
