Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
