walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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