I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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