I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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