you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
