it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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