I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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