You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
