Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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