I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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