I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
do nipples grow back?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
